This morning, as I cruised Facebook for some fun articles to read, I was directed towards an interesting piece of writing on the Fox News site that got me thinking. As much as that is the opposite intention of most reporting done by that oh-so-biased conglomerate, occasionally they raise intriguing, if unintended, questions. The article itself was called 5 Feminist Demands She Wants You to Ignore and I decided to read it out of my morbid fascination with gender relations and the train-wrecks that so often ensue.
The tone of the article is pretty unforgivable. Clearly the author was aware of that, hence his decision to remain anonymous; but we shouldn't expect much more from Fox News, as their general mission statement is to stir the pot, fire people up, and distract them from what really matters. (Uh oh, this blog means I'm not writing about world hunger or the HIV vaccine... Well played, Fox News.) However, as flagrant and appalling as the sexism in the article is, its content is resoundingly dull. It says nothing that a small measure of common sense and dating experience couldn't tell you; but the fact that it was shared on Facebook implies that it struck a chord with some people. In this particular case, outrage is fully justified and I am on board with the sentiment that articles of this calibre have no place in the mass media, no matter how uncredible the organization presenting them.
The question that the article raised, at least in my mind, was one of how to approach writing about dating advice without coming off as at least a little sexist. It would be willfully naive of us to suggest that the sexes shouldn't be treated as unique. Just as each individual within a group is different, groups themselves often have different expectations in different contexts. This is where my fellow social psychologists could jump in and point out that the differences between individuals completely whitewash the differences between them, and the point is fair; but the de facto situation is that, in most cases, all other things being equal, you do not interact with men and women in exactly the same way. This is especially the case in dating.
Clearly we do not live in the 1950's. I am in no way suggesting that the Mad Men standard of gender relations should continue to apply. All I am saying is that there are certain elements of that standard that can be displayed in a modern relationship without jeopardizing the equality of each partner. I will avoid speaking for women because, for obvious reasons, I have no first-hand experience with what they really enjoy. Speaking from my own perspective, though, I like slipping into the suave and debonair stereotype of a man taking a woman out for a night on the town, if you'll pardon the clichéd turn of phrase. It probably has something to do with how clumsy and unmethodical I am in my day-to-day life, but on the exceedingly rare occasions when pull off a James Bond-esque level of competence while out with my girlfriend, I feel pretty good about myself.
I also don't think I am entirely off-base when I suggest that modern women might be able to reap some enjoyment from successful attempts to impress them. Who doesn't like to be doted upon, within reason? I love it when I am treated as if I am important to someone else. It seems to me a pretty basic part of the human condition is to take pleasure out of other people putting you on a pedestal, so long as don't harbour unrealistic expectations. Once in a while its fun to pretend that someone is perfect.
The key is balance, and in a lot of ways, that is what the original article seemed to be advocating. It's very fair and diplomatic to split the bill when you go out to dinner, but it's also fun to treat each-other once in a while. You need to acknowledge that women are fully capable of carrying their own bags and opening their own doors, but it's kind of nice to show that you are willing to be of service.
All too often in our uber politically-correct world we run the risk of offending someone by undermining their equality or unintentionally patronizing them in some way, but their needs to be some room for chivalry. Many people I know, myself included, romanticize the early half of the 20th century because is seems like a more care-free time. Everyone realizes that we are oversimplifying and that the way time periods are depicted on TV is no indication of what it would be actually be like to live through them. It is also patently obvious that, until a real-life Doc Brown comes along in a suped-up Delorian, no one is going to be able to fully disprove the notion that decades past weren't a little bit more romantic than now. What I suggest is that it's okay to take the positive, romantic aspects that make up our view of the past and pretend that things actually are that way. Let's treat each other with the dignity and admiration that our black-and-white brethren encourage of us and not read too much into it, because life is stressful enough when we only concern ourselves with actual affronts to equality.
Cheers,
Steve
Image courtesy of: http://menandwomen101.com/chivalry.html
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